when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
