My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Are we still banned from the library?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
