Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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