Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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