Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
