Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
