dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
