I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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