He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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