last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
