just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
