my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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