I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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