I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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