I can tuck mytits in my pants
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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