so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
