She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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