I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
