Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
