maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
