We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
