My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
