Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
