Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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