I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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