I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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