I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
