They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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