Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
