Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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