I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I need to align my fucking chakras
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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