I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
