3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
