"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
