I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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