Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
