he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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