they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
