My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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