Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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