what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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