What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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