seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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