After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
