my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
