I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
