Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
