you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
