dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
