On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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