smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
